Blog 11/21: 🎂Why I Hate My Birthday🎂

Every year when my birthday comes around, I get a nervous feeling in my stomach. I feel like I want to throw up the week leading up to my birthday. I’ve always questioned why, but never went searching for an answer or a solution. Was it because I was growing older? Meaning more expectations on me? Was it because I feared being disappointed that I wouldn’t have that “perfect” birthday? Or the fears that surprise would lead to disappointment? Maybe it’s because I get excited over everyone’s birthday and love planning them, but when it comes to mine, I fear no one will feel the same? So many questions that I wish to not seek the answer for because I would spiral in the pool of all my fears and begin psychoanalyzing myself.

However, regardless of how much I fear, how much I hate and how much I try to bury my birthday as nothing special, it’ll always come. No matter if I’m at my lowest or at my highest, there’s no avoiding this said to be “special day.” I think that’s what scares me the most. I love avoiding scary things and always finding a way to distract myself. But you can’t fight against time.

Of my 20 years, I really can’t remember more than a handful of my birthdays. I think the most memorable one was my 16th birthday. That was my golden birthday. I got to spend it with all my loved ones — my parents, my bestest friends and my siblings — and felt that it would never be beat. This year, though, came pretty close. I got to see all my friends at different points of the day which made me so overwhelmed with joy. I could never thank them enough for the mini surprises and treats I got that day. The universe also treated me so nicely. The stars were beautiful and the moon shone so brightly. The weather, which usually sucks in Bing, was also shockingly warm. It felt like everything would go well as long as I kept an open, positive mind.

Well, I got through it. I’m one year older and I feel my body breaking down. Am I terrified for next year? Yes. Will I get through it? I sure hope so because even if I don’t, time will pass.

Sophia Lam

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